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A Conjoined Pair of Oompa Loompas

November 3, 2010

I do not have a bum, butt, derriere or booty. What I’m packing is an over achiever who’s skipped the stage of badonkadonk to gain certifiable ass status.

Yeah, yeah I know. I just has a baby. And she’s not even 2 months yet. And she’s got these smooshy cheeks:

Man, those cheeks, oh smoooshysmooooshysmooooshy, oh wait where was I?

And I am breast-feeding. And I whole heartedly believe that our bizarre cultural fixation on celebrities fitting into their skinny jeans 4 weeks postpartum is sick and twisted. But still, the truth is I WAS pregnant. My ass STILL looks like it’s full term with a pair of conjoined oompa loompa twins.

It took me a year to lose my 45 pounds of Jarah baby weight. One whole year.  Even though for  3 of those 12 months I was banned from consuming wheat, eggs, dairy, soy or nut due to his infant colitis. I missed…well pretty much most food but blood in my 5 month olds diaper did wonders for my will power. My point is even during those dark days of ice cream deprivation, the weight hung on like that annoying sloppy drunk guy still there at the end of a party.

By the end of  December 2009 I remember getting on the scale and finally…3 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. 5 days later I was staring down the barrel of a positive home pregnancy test. I’ll admit it. I cried a little.

A woman’s weight is a subject best approached with the same cautious care as a field of unexploded ordinances. I consider myself pretty self-assured and confident but on this topic…apparently not so much. I realized that two week ago while chatting about our upcoming move in the car with my husband. The conversation went a bit like this:

Lea: Do you think our wetsuits will still be fine to use in California even though we haven’t worn them in so long?

Nick: I’m not sure yours will fit. Maybe we should look at getting you another one.”




Nick: What? Wait, I’m sorry. You’re beautiful. I can see your weight is a sensitive subject, I was just saying…(interrupted by noisy tears and general cursing about the plight of postpartum asses worldwide).

Wipe  up Snot. End Scene.

So here I am. With my big ol’ ass that’s on the wrong side of 20 pounds. However, my general optimism does have its uses and I stand before you dear readers to announce, the Great Ass-Off of 2011 has begun! I’m jump-starting on my New Year’s Resolution early as I also firmly believe losing weight needs to occur in a healthy and apparently generally painfully slow manner of around a pound a week. So hello slightly more sensible eating habits and stepping up the old regular exercise.

My goal is not lofty.  I am not looking to be a Size 2. I’ll settle for a comfortable size 10. I have found the following outfit in my closet, a comfy tank and my favorite jeans…to be worn when I hit said goal. I’m giving myself 5 (1 pound a week, for 20 weeks) months to get into these puppies:

Stay tuned for updates. And a celebration photo in April.

But this is more than fitting into my jeans or wetsuit again, I want to look and feel I’m at a healthy weight to be a good role model for my kids. I don’t want to give them a picture of a diet obsessed woman who shuns Hawaiian pizza or Ben & Jerry’s sublime Creme Brule. But I also don’t want to be a baggy sweatpants mom still blaming baby weight while dropping Bronte off at her dorm.

And truthfully, I’d wouldn’t mind my ass to be downgraded to a normal butt. Or looking a teeny bit smoking in my incredibly loud hot pink wetsuit.

Might distract from my future surf sessions as I paddle vainly about in 1 foot breakers.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. elkboy permalink
    November 3, 2010 11:00 pm

    That was an awfully long post about those incredibly cute cheeks!


  1. Update: In Case You Were Wondering What Happened to My Ass… « Where the Watermelons Grow

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